What do you do when your life looks nothing like you expected it would? What happens when you wake up, to the bitter realization that you lack many of the things you hoped to have at this point? Do you ever feel angry at the thought of everything you are “missing” out on?
This is where I currently find myself.
Now to be clear, I am utterly thankful that every relationship up to now has ended. Still, I often find it hard to quiet that ever so loud voice that says, “What if?” I am sure we are all familiar with the phrase and use it more often than we wish.
“What if I could just look like…?”
“What if I had said….?”
“What if I would have just chosen this guy over that guy?”
If you let it, that phrase can become the outline for your future.
When I was little, I would dress up in my mom’s clothes, grab my baby dolls and play house. I even had a fake checkbook that had my name as Mrs. Parker, because I was convinced that would be my last name when I got married (if you know any Parker’s send them my way). Fast forward to high school and that dream of being a mom became a journal entry I wrote often. I had it all planned out, I would be married at 22 and have my first kid at 24 and by 27 I would have at least two kids. Well fast forward again, I am three days past my 27th birthday and none of what I wrote in that journal has happened.
Now I can choose to live in the “What if?” or, “Why me?” and let that be the next journal entry to describe my late twenties. I could write a blog post five years from now, saying when I was 27 I thought by 30 I would have this, or by 32 I would be doing that. I am not saying this to say it is bad to dream and plan for the future, but what happens when you forget to live in the present?
For me one major thing that happens is, I get angry. I get angry with myself over all the stupid decisions I have made, the people I have let in my life and the words I have spoken to myself. I let that anger fester and it sets up nasty roots of bitterness.
So how do I move past the anger and into the peace that God gives?
Simple, I go to God. I take all my anger, heartache, sadness, and bitterness to his feet. I cannot tell you how often I go to God and the first thing out of my mouth is “I am so disappointed,” or “God I am mad.” One good thing about God is, He can take it. He wants us to run to him not away from him. He already knows you are angry, that you are sad, that you are so overwhelmed with emotions you cannot put it into words. He knows. The beautiful thing is He was there the whole time, waiting for you to turn and run into His open arms.
I challenge you with two things:
First, take your anger and run to God with it. Tell him you are mad; tell him this is not what you thought your life would look like. Tell him the pain you feel in your heart for the family you one day want is crushing.
Second, tell God that even though you cannot see it in this moment, you trust that He is working all things for good. That even though you thought life would look different; you know He has purpose for you in this season. God will meet you where you are. He does not need you to figure it all out before you come to him, he just needs you to come to him.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus.”Philippians 4: 6-7